The Dobby Gang and the Dark Nark
by MollyCoddles
Summary: Voldemort has a new potion in mind to aid in his quest for wizarding world domination, and a Potions Master willing to brew. Will Dobby, Harry and friends be able to crack the case? HPGW, RWHG, RLNT


Warning: Crackfic ahoy! Also, I do not endorse the use of illegal substances. Do not try this at home. Many apologies if I misuse drug slang. It's not my first language. Or even third. 

Author's Note: This was written for the prompt, 'movie script ending' at rtchallenge. I interpreted it to mean it should end using the dialogue/script of a familiar film (or, in this case, a cartoon).

Disclaimer: HP is JKR's

_**The Dobby Gang and The Dark Nark**_

Harry ruffled the top of Dobby's scruffy little head. "That's my pal!"

"Ruby dooby doo!"

"What?" Ron asked. "Rubies and doobies?"

"Neither of which would be particularly helpful right now," Hermione answered.

"Oh, I dunno," Ginny said, giggling. "They wouldn't hurt!"

"Zoinks! Look out!"

Harry stomped on the brakes, sending teens and house-elf tumbling.

"What the…? Is that Professor Lupin?"

"Professor! Is that you? What's wrong? What are you doing out on the road at this time of night?" Hermione asked, disentangling herself to climb out of the van.

"It's Tonks," Lupin wheezed, clutching his chest after the near miss. "She… needs… spinach. She can't morph green without it, but everywhere I've looked, it's gone. It's been pulled off the shelves because of rumours of contamination from E. coli bacteria."

"We'll help you find some, Professor," Harry said. "Hop in!"

"Thank you, Harry! I know you're busy with your secret quest. It means a lot that you'll help me."

Harry shrugged. "We always have time for you, Professor. Now, have you tried this supermarket up ahead?"

"No, that's where I was going when my broom broke down."

"Well, let's have a look, shall we?" Harry said as he pulled into the car park.

They shambled into the shop and located the produce aisle, only to see a black-gloved arm reach around the corner of the cooler, snatching the very last bag of prepackaged, fresh spinach.

"Bloody hell!" Harry fumed. "That was the last one. Are there any other grocers around here?"

"No, I'm afraid not." Lupin said wearily. "Perhaps Professor Sprout has some in her gardens or greenhouses. She's my last resort."

They clambered back into the van and started off again. Giving Harry a pointed look, Ron reached forward and punched the Invisibility Booster while Harry hit the accelerator and cranked the tunes as they soared skyward.

Half an hour later, they coasted in for a landing at the massive gates of Hogwarts, which Harry opened with a device that closely resembled his uncle's garage door opener. He grinned fondly and patted it, wondering aloud if his uncle had figured a way to get into his garage yet.

They cruised up to Greenhouse One, where they encountered a distraught Professor Sprout. "Someone's stolen all the spinach!" she cried. "All I saw was a black-gloved hand and a billowing cape."

Hermione sidestepped the frumpy little woman and picked something up off the floor. "Is this your pipe, Professor?" she asked.

"Oh no, dear, I would never smoke around my plants! Gives them the blight."

"Perhaps it's Professor Grubbly-Planks' then," she said, pocketing the clue.

"Is spinach like cannabis?" Ginny wondered, eyeing some speckled mushrooms growing in a dark corner.

"No. Definitely not."

"Well, then, why would anyone want it? Except for Tonks, of course, who apparently needs it to morph herself green."

"Spinach is a very healthful food," Hermione remonstrated. "It provides many essential nutrients and is a very popular ingredient in salads, quiche and soups."

"Could one of the restaurants be buying all the spinach?" Ron asked. "We should check. Especially all the pizza and burger restaurants."

"I don't think so," Harry said. "There's something fishy going on here."

"Oh Harry," Hermione chided, "it's just spinach. Not everything is a conspiracy."

As they crowded into the van once again, Lupin leaned forward to admire the gauges and lights. "Nice ride, Harry," he commented. "Where'd you get it?"

Harry grinned. "Didn't you notice the name painted on the side? It was a gift from the Ministry. They're still trying to make me their poster boy—ferret's chance in a hippogriff of that happening—but they gave me this nifty van with 'The Ministry Machine' printed on the fender."

"And what a machine you are," Ginny said as she touched up her lip gloss.

Harry smirked.

"Where is Tonks tonight?" Hermione asked the professor. "I doubt she's sitting home, sighing over spinach."

"She's on duty again tonight. There's been a rash of apothecary break-ins."

"Do you suppose that's connected to all the missing spinach?" Ron queried. "What's been stolen from the apothecaries?"

"Pomegranate juice and salamander blood. And the only clue they have is a black glove found at the scene."

Ginny's eyes widened. "What potion uses a lot of spinach?"

"We don't know that the thefts are connected," Hermione countered.

"You just don't know of any potions using those ingredients, do you, Hermy." Ginny snickered.

Hermione huffed. "Shut up, Ginkies."

O-O

"Can we go to Honeydukes?" Ron asked wistfully. "I'm starving."

"Dobby dobby too!" chimed the elf.

"We're going to Portree," Harry said, expertly avoiding a raincloud.

"The Prides aren't playing tonight," Ron complained. "How about a pizza joint?"

"Pizza joints are too hard to light," Ginny said. "Though you don't have the munchies after."

Harry glanced up at them in the rearview mirror. "We're going to the supermarket. Will a Dobby Smack get you by?"

Ron and Dobby squabbled and bickered over the nearly-empty container Harry tossed to the back until Harry landed the van at the next supermarket.

"Hermione, why don't you and Professor Lupin go in? The rest of us will stay out here and watch for suspicious characters lurking in the shadows."

Oo00OO00oo

When Hermione and Lupin emerged several minutes later with two battered-looking cans of spinach that were well beyond their freshness dates, Harry informed them he had a plan.

"We're going to set a trap. Ron, you get a few liters of Hermione's Sleekeazy's Hair Potion. The girls will lure the bandit here and Professor Lupin will stay over there and cast a Full Body-Bind Jinx when he starts slipping on the oil. Dobby, I have an important job for you. You're going to hold the bait."

"No! Dobby doesn't know how to hold bait! Dobby will mess up and have to fillet his ears."

"How about a Dobby Smack? That'll make you feel better." Harry palmed the elf a Smack from his trouser pocket.

The shiny-eyed elf clutched the treat with reverence. "Master has been holding out on Dobby! Dobby thought that greedy Wheezy got the last Dobby Smack, but Master was clever and had put one in a warm and secret place! Dobby loves his Master."

"Right. That's great, Dobs." Harry clapped his hands. "Places, everyone!" The gang scurried to their respective positions to wait.

Before long, a cloaked figure slipped into the shadows. The girls, alerted by their Double Duty Vibrating Secrecy Sensors, darted across the car park with the dark figure close behind. They dived across the oil slick as Ron spilled it on the ground, just in time to dodge the flash of light as Lupin hit their pursuer with a Stunner.

"Ha!" Harry whooped, "We've got you now, you Spinach Stealer!" He grasped the hood and yanked it back to reveal…

"Tonks?"

"What the hell are you idiots doing here?" Tonks shrieked. "I was hot on the trail of the Apothecary Arsehole and now you've made me lose the trail! I've a good mind to write you all up and haul you in to the authorities!"

The gang apologized profusely, promising never to visit another supermarket or apothecary as long as they lived.

Suddenly, from the depths of the darkness behind the store, Dobby yelped.

"Ginny, Hermione! Get the oil!" Lupin cried as Harry, Ron and Tonks raced for the source of the sound. Lupin used a Reductor Curse to blow a hole in the ground as Hermione and Ginny grabbed the rest of the bottles of Sleekeazy's. They sprayed the ground around the hole and stepped back, just as Dobby came flying around a corner, still clutching his two precious cans of spinach. He was then launched into the air by Lupin's well-timed _Wingardium Leviosa_ spell.

The demon hot on his heels screeched and frantically backpedaled in vain as he hit the oil slick and crashed into the pit.

Harry raced to the edge and zapped him with a Freezing Charm. Ron hit him with a dungbomb loaded with Brain Buzzer, a potion made from Wrackspurts to prevent non-verbal spellcasting.

"It's taken you dunderheads long enough." A black shape rippled in the shadows.

Harry whipped around, wand at the ready. "Show your face, you cowardly bastard!"

"Insufferable brat. You're pointing your wand in the wrong direction. Typical."

Harry glanced uneasily at the frozen form lying in the pit, but kept his wand trained on the voice. "Come out and face me like a man!"

"Have you utilized a modicum of common sense and disarmed your captive?"

Harry flushed and Summoned the wand, grumbling, "Like that matters."

"It _does_ matter." The voice was behind them now and they all swiveled—except for Hermione, who cried, "No! It's a Voice-Throwing Charm!"

"Clever, Miss Granger."

"You're the one that's been robbing the apothecaries!" she said loudly, her wand tracing an outline of the shadows concealing their quarry.

"As you stole from my private cupboard? Surely you, of all people, realize when a bit of rule-breaking is in the interest of the greater good."

"You bad wizard! You steal spinach!" Dobby shook his finger at the shifting shadows.

"Ah, and the Chosen One is outsmarted by a house-elf."

"We're never going to get a straight answer out of that snake," Ginny said. She pointed to the pit. "Unmask his partner."

Harry levitated the bound and gagged form out of the ground and pulled back the hood, revealing a snake-like visage that made the girls scream. Harry pointed his wand at the snake monster's face and said, "_Specialis Revelio!"_

The mask melted away, leaving a very ugly and disfigured Tom Riddle.

Tonks leapt forward, trembling as she snapped Magic Binding handcuffs around his bony wrists, ankles and neck.

"What did you need so much spinach for?" Ginny asked shakily, turning back towards Snape's hiding place.

"It was on Muggle television. A small, ugly sailor ingested it and the resulting transformation convinced the Dark Lord of its efficacy."

"He wanted spinach to make himself invincible?" Hermione snorted with barely-restrained hysteria.

"And I would've done it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Riddle spat.

"Why the pomegranate juice and salamander blood, then?" Lupin wondered.

"You always were a dismal failure at the subtle art of Potionmaking, Lupin."

"Those are components of Strengthening Solution," Hermione broke in, "which is highly addictive. Overuse can lead to loss of magical powers, as well as erectile dysfunction."

"Precisely," Snape said smugly. "And the flavor can only be masked by… _spinach_."

\/\/

"It was really sweet of you to go all the way to Portree and help defeat Voldemort to get me some spinach, Remus," Tonks said, tenderly brushing a strand of hair from his eyes.

"Self-serving, really," he said modestly.

"Hmm?"

"You know how I love it when you're green and keen..."

The End

* * *

Popeye is King Features, Scooby Doo belongs to WB. And while I don't think I used any specific quotes, I'll cite "Curse of the Wererabbit" and "Bunnicula" just because they featured vegetable stalkers too. ;)

I found it humorous that both "Bobby" and "Smack" were slang for heroin—and that heroin comes from the Greek word for 'hero.' "Dobby Smack" seemed so much funnier after that little discovery.


End file.
